


Inevitable (The Epistolary Remix)

by fuzzballsheltiepants



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Epistolary, First Meeetings, Germany, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2020-12-17 06:34:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21049898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuzzballsheltiepants/pseuds/fuzzballsheltiepants
Summary: Nicky's first year in Germany, told through a series of letters to his mother.





	Inevitable (The Epistolary Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [carminesunset](https://archiveofourown.org/users/carminesunset/gifts).
  * Inspired by [inevitable](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16785994) by [carminesunset](https://archiveofourown.org/users/carminesunset/pseuds/carminesunset). 

> The second I finished reading the original, I knew this was the one I wanted to remix. I love the idea of Nicky meeting Erik under different circumstances, and him having other friends in Germany who support him and help him heal. I've also always been struck by Nicky talking about how he learned to balance his sexuality and his faith while in Germany, and I wanted to show that process. Thank you to Carminesunset for writing such a cool fic!

June 24

Dear Mama,

I hope you’re doing well. I know we haven’t talked in a while, but Germany is amazing. I can’t get over how old things are here! I went to a garden yesterday that’s more than three hundred years old, if you can believe it. It was really beautiful, but for some reason it made me kind of sad. I don’t know if I’m going to go back.

I got a job at a little bookstore right near my apartment. The pay isn’t great, but it’s more than I was making in Columbia, so I can’t really complain. And my apartment is really close, so I can walk there even when it rains. It’s kind of great walking around the city, really. You see so much more than you would in a car. I don’t even miss having one.

My boss is pretty nice, but otherwise it’s a bit lonely. I’m starting to learn my way around though, so I’m sure I’ll make some friends soon.

Missing you.

Love,

Nicky

* * *

July 12

Dear Mama,

I was thinking about you today when it was quiet at work, so I decided to write again. I’m still at the bookstore, but I have an application in to a tech company for their marketing division so I’m hoping I’ll get another job soon. In the meantime, I’m getting better at the language, but it’s still not much like what they taught us in school. Almost everyone speaks English, but that’s not really the point of me living here, so I’m trying hard to learn.

I haven’t found a church yet. I mean, there’s a million of them, but a lot of them are more like museums and they just don’t feel right. I’ll keep trying though, Mama, I promise.

I did make a friend! There’s a cafe right down the street and one of the baristas, Philippe, is really friendly. So that’s nice.

Give my love to Dad.

Love,

Nicky

* * *

July 18

Dear Mama,

I didn’t get the job. I did at least get a callback for an interview, but I think my German’s not good enough yet. But I’m sending out a few more applications, I’m sure I’ll get something. And the bookstore is really fun! Everyone’s super nice, and I get to do some studying during quiet stretches.

Philippe helped me get a part time job as a bartender. I know that’s not what you’d want for me, but it helps pay the bills while I work on getting a real job. I started taking an online class, too, to help make me more marketable. I really love it here, the energy is so different from home but it’s really exciting, you know?

I hope all is well at home.

Love,

Nicky

* * *

July 22

Dear Mama,

I know you’re really busy with church and everything, I hope that’s all going well. Before I left you were talking about redoing the kitchen, did you end up doing that?

Things here are about the same. I’ve started spending my days off going around to cathedrals. There are so many, Mama, and they’re all so beautiful. So much art. It makes me feel closer to God, even if none of them are like our church at home.

I’ve made a couple more friends. Mostly people I work with, but we went out to dinner as a group the other night and it was pretty fun. And Luise, the other barista at the cafe has started chatting too. She’s really nice. And they’re starting to be able to understand my German, so that’s good!

Love,

Nicky

* * *

July 25

Dear Mama,

Do you believe God makes mistakes?

I’m asking because I honestly don’t know if He does. I always thought that was impossible. But if God made me, then maybe He does.

Nicky

* * *

August 13

Dear Mama,

I’ve been thinking a lot about you this week. Maybe I should call. I just like the idea of the written word, you know? It feels more permanent.

This week has been kind of rough. I only got one call back on my applications, and I don’t think the interview went that well. Keeping my fingers crossed, though. Should hear in a few days, I think.

Otherwise life is pretty good. I really love all the history here, and the juxtaposition with more modern stuff. It’s kind of surreal sometimes, you know?

I’m going to call. I need to hear your voice.

Love,

Nicky

* * *

August 20

Dear Mama,

I’m sorry I missed you last week. It was still good to hear your voice on the answering machine. I hope you’re able to find some time to call, but I understand if you can’t. Are you and Dad still planning on doing that mission you were talking about last spring?

I finished the online class I was taking, and my grade was really good. I’m hoping this will help with my applications, but I think my German still needs to get better before I’ll be able to get one of the really good jobs.

I think I finally found a church. I know, I know, it’s been a couple months. But I really like this one. The minister is really good, and the congregation is friendly. My friend Philippe recommended it for me, even though he’s an atheist. I talked to the minister, he told me if it was in the U.S. it would be called a welcoming congregation? I guess he did a sabbatical in Virginia a couple of years ago, so he knows what it’s like. It’s a bit different than Dad’s church, but they all are over here.

I just feel better being part of a community again.

Love,

Nicky

* * *

September 17

Dear Mama,

This was a really good week! I had another interview and it went really well. It’s an international company so my English and Spanish might be helpful. Though I’m going to have to brush up on the Spanish, ha ha. It’s been a while since we spoke it.

The trees are starting to turn here. They’re more yellow than at home. I kind of miss the red, but it’s still pretty. At least I won’t have to rake!

Philippe and Luise and I went to the movies, just for fun. It was kind of a dumb movie, but it was nice to go out with people. Just to laugh and talk and be silly together, you know? It probably sounds stupid, but I think it’s good for me. Kind of like a mental health outing if that makes sense. They’re good people, I’m sure you’d like them.

I hope to hear back on the job by Wednesday. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Love,

Nicky

* * *

October 13

Dear Mama,

I know I haven’t written for a little while, I just haven’t had a lot to share. But I made a new friend! Philippe kind of introduced us last week. I mean, mostly he convinced him to come and talk to me because Philippe is a busybody who can’t mind his own business, but it worked out. He’s another regular at the cafe and Philippe thought we’d get along.

His name is Erik, and I think you’d probably like him. He loves hiking and he dragged me along the other day, it was exhausting but also kind of pretty even though I skinned my knee on a rock. It turns out Erik goes to my church, too. But he hasn’t been in a little while, he was traveling, so that’s why I haven’t met him before. You know what’s funny? Remember when I wanted to be a foreign-exchange student senior year? His family was hosting that year, and they actually had a student from South Carolina! Isn’t that a crazy coincidence? Like, if I’d ended up going I could have ended up with him as my host brother. What are the odds?

Anyway, Erik is working with me on my German, and he thinks once I’m more fluent I’ll be able to get a job at his sister’s company. So that’s cool.

Love,

Nicky

p.s. - I lied, about you liking Erik. You wouldn’t. Not because he’s not not nice and everything, he is. But he’s like me.

* * *

November 15

Dear Mama,

Did you know I never really had friends before? I had people who called themselves my friends, but they never really knew me. They couldn’t; I didn’t really know myself.

Friends are kind of amazing. I kind of got used to caring about other people and them only liking the surface parts of me, but Philippe and Luise and Erik really care about all of me, you know? Even the ugly parts. I don’t really understand it, how a simple choice can change everything. All I did was decide to go to this cafe because it was close, and suddenly I’m practicing my German with them, and we’re having dinner together and talking about anything and everything. It’s nice to be_ seen,_ you know?

They don’t care that I’m American, they don’t care that I’m brown, they don’t care that I’m gay. I can be as loud and as quiet and as scared and as brave as I am in that moment. Even if it changes over the stupidest things, they don’t mind. They see all of that, and they still want to be friends with me. They make me feel like I can be happy, and I never thought that was possible. Me, happy. It makes me think of that one Bible verse, I might be remembering it wrong but I think it’s, “Encourage one another, and build one another up.”

I hope that you have friends, Mama. Real friends.

Nicky

* * *

December 25

Dear Mama,

Merry Christmas! I hope you got the cookies I sent. Authentic German Christmas cookies, from one of the markets. The woman promised me they’d ship well, so fingers crossed they didn’t arrive as a big pile of crumbs.

I tried to call again. I guess you guys were at church. I hope you had a good time.

Christmas here is beautiful. It feels kind of different. Less about presents and more about friends and family. Erik invited me to his home for Christmas, but it’s a few hours away and this thing with Erik is kinda new, so I spent it with Philippe and his family instead and I went to church. Maybe next year I’ll go with Erik.

I hope you and Dad are well. I’m thinking about all the decorations you have, and how full the house always feels at the holidays, even when it’s just the three of us. Does it still feel that way? I got a little tiny tree and put a couple ornaments on it. It’s not much, but it reminds me of you.

Love,

Nicky

* * *

January 11

Dear Mama,

I’ve been thinking a lot about things lately. About God, mostly. I don’t really understand how people who devote their whole lives to Him can see things so differently.

I think I’m going to write more later. I need a little time.

Nicky

* * *

February 1

Dear Mama,

I don’t know what to believe anymore. I read and I read, and none of it makes sense. There was a sermon about it on Sunday at Church. God’s love. “Above all, love each other deeply, for love covers a multitude of sins.” You know that one? I don’t think I ever heard Dad talk about that, but the minister here was saying that we’re human. All of us. We’re human and we’re flawed, and we sin, but that we should love each other anyway. And it feels so right, you know? But it’s so different from what I learned at home, I don’t get it. I don’t understand how, if God made me—all of us—in His image, and if we are supposed to love one another above all else, how you and Dad live with so much hate.

You wanted me to hate myself. I mean, you succeeded, so good job I guess. But I didn’t choose to be like this, Mama, I never wanted it. But God made me like this. He made me like this, and I can’t help it. But if Peter says that love covers a multitude of sins, how can it be wrong? Even if you don’t understand it, it’s still love. It’s still a part of God. How can you hate <del>me</del> it so much that you sent me away to that place, just because of how God made me?

How can you call love evil, when God is love?

-N

* * *

February 24

Dear Mama,

I got a job today! It's at a firm in the same building as Erik’s. It’s a good job, and I’ll get to use my degree. I like to think you’ll be proud of me for it. My German is pretty good now, and I’m excited to start. I’m going to miss the bookstore though. But I’ll still see Philippe and Luise, even if I can’t make it to the cafe. And obviously I’ll see Erik. We all talk almost every day, and I still don’t really know how it happened. That’s what friends are like, I guess.

I never realized that home isn’t a place until now.

Nicky

* * *

May 13

Dear Mama,

I haven’t written in a long time. I’m kind of sorry about that, but also kind of not. It’s an interesting thing, living. Really living, not just existing.

You know how I wrote last year that my friends see me? Erik sees me too. He knows everything about me now. (I’m sure you’re shocked to find out I kind of overshare.) And he loves me anyway. And I love him too, Mama, so much. I know it hasn’t been that long in the scheme of things, but I have never been sure of anything in my life, and I am sure of this.

He wants to get married. I want it too.

I don’t know if you will ever understand this. I don’t know if you will ever forgive me for figuring out how to be okay with how God made me. But Erik and Philippe and Luise have taught me a lot of things, and one of them is that God doesn’t make mistakes. People do. God didn’t make me “wrong.” It’s the people who see the way I love as being evil who are wrong.

And that’s okay, Mama. People are allowed to be wrong, they’re allowed to be flawed. I can forgive that. I can love those people anyway even if they will never love me back. Even if they can look at God’s creation and only feel hate, I can still rise above it. After all, I was made in His image, just like we all were.

I love you, Mama.

-Nicky

* * *

“You ready?”

Nicky looked around the tiny little apartment. It wasn’t like he had much; everything he owned was already in Erik’s car. The empty bed sat lonely in the corner; the little counter with its hot plate and kettle and the baby fridge up against the other wall, with the window that overlooked the street. He felt almost guilty, leaving it behind. It wasn’t much, but it was the first space that had been his.

“Just about.” He looked down at the letter, laying neatly addressed on the counter. It was hard, with Erik’s eyes on him, with Philippe and Luise waiting on the street below, but he reached under the bed and pulled out a small cardboard box. It was even harder, to force his fingers to open it, to drop the last letter inside. Dozens of envelopes, all the same. _Maria Hemmick._ He carefully placed the lid back on, shutting the name away.

Erik gave him a sweet, confused little smile. “Do you need to mail those?”

Nicky rested his hand on the lid. “No. Not anymore.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this! Please go give the original some love too, it deserves it!


End file.
